It is not my usual method to write a chapter in two parts, however a busy week at work has left this chapter partly written, at a natural break in the plot and I haven’t the time nor energy to write this weekend. As a result, this chapter is far shorter than my usual chapter – but I do have all the pictures in order though and hope to get you Consequences p.2 next weekend.
My explanations would never have been enough, but I never had a chance to voice them. Never had a chance to beg or plead and now he’s gone. High. Killed.I’m frozen in place, hoping against hope that he’ll turn around and come back. I’m thinking of all the words I could use to make Berjes forgive me, to make him understand, but he won’t turn around and come back tonight. I won’t have the words I need tomorrow, he won’t forgive me next month and I don’t think he’ll ever understand. All that’s left for me to do is turn off the lights and go back to bed. And cry. I could use a good cry…
Oh no. It’s morning. I was still sobbing into my pillow as the sun rose and now my alarm’s going off. Get up, Lee. Get up. I think I could lie here and cry forever. Get up, you have to go to school. Sit up… Rub the sleep from my eyes… Stretch… Oh can’t I go back to sleep? Get up. School. School… Class… People… Berjes… Oh Berjes! What have I – quit crying. Get up. Shower.
My feet hit the ground, eventually, and I slowly shuffle to the bathroom, my bones are so tired. I turn on the water in the shower, knowing it will take forever to get up to heat, and turn around only to catch sight of a pill bottle. Sitting on the edge of my sink. Taunting me. Reminding me. My knees give out from under me and I crumple onto the ground, shaking and crying on my bathmat.
I don’t think can’t face today, I can’t bear everyone staring at me. I’m shaking like a leaf. I can’t do this, I can’t! The room is spinning, seagulls in my stomach… I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe!
I just need something to take the edge off, I need to catch my breath, I need… Right there, sitting on the edge of my sink. Taunting me. Reminding me.
I get through the first day – with a little help – and the next day, and the next. Despite my emotional turmoil I’m starting to feel better than ever. More alive than ever. I am a stronger, better me and not even my grades are slacking. Part of me knows that I shouldn’t need help to get through days, the other part of me is amazing! Not only am I
amazing but The Mighty Huge are amazing. We are, dare I say, getting Mighty Huge, and we’re having fun while we’re at it. I love the afternoons we spend practicing almost as much as I love, love, love, to perform. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being on stage. DC is still the strong and silent DC that I first met, and definitely not interested in Hanna, or so they both say. Hanna’s broken it off with Jackson now and they’re both happier for it but I had been certain that DC would try and hit that. So much for a woman’s intuition!Jackson’s just moodier than he was before, as if that is somehow, magically possible. Monday mornings see him still hungover from Friday night but when all is said and done he’s never done a better job of performing my songs… And I’ve never been better at writing them. I’m channeling all my heartache and teenage angst into our music and it’s
just like magic. Really therapeutic. No one gets it the way Jackson seems to. On stage he puts the right emotions into the songs and as a result, everyone in the crowd relates to it and feels it the same way I do.
Of course, I really only “feel the way I do” right before bed (and for a short while around lunch) but it’s brutal. The crushing weight on my heart, the way it hurts to breathe, the emptiness of my stomach and the mess in my head, all because Berjes saw a stupid bottle of pills in my bathroom. Without him as close as the other end of a phone I feel so alone, so exhausted and melancholy. All I can do is cry myself to sleep. My dreams could be music videos for an emo band, but when I wake up in the morning I don’t feel like I’ve slept a wink. I miss him so much, if only… If only.I don’t see much of Berjes at school, we haven’t got classes together this semester and he’s always running away from me. I just want to speak with him, I need to know he’s OK but all I get are scowls. If I sit next to him, he leaves immediately, if I approach him, he turns around. Like cat and mouse. Maybe I don’t need him? Maybe I’m better off without him – I am free to have fun and hang out with people and go to parties without worrying about what he thinks… He never did enjoy our gigs that much, and never went to the house parties or dances. I used to have to drag him to Corriente… I would have had to drag him to prom… We’re never going to go to prom…
At least there is still, and always, Corriente! And I have made some great girl-friends to join me there. Every weekend and sometimes after school too! It’s so great to have a group of girls to just hang out and gossip and chat with. We go dancing and talk about boys, listen to music, have sleepovers, visit the spa. It’s amazing! I don’t know why I never hung out with them before, they’re so cool and friendly and welcoming. I share classes with all of them, and we’ve been at the same school with each other forever but never once have we really hung out. I guess it’s probably ’cause of The Mighty Huge and since Jackson and I are pretty close. Now that he’s single, there’s not a girl (other than me and Hanna) who doesn’t want to jump him. Oh well! Whether they like me for me, for my talents or for my friends, whatever! It’s so nice to be one of the girls; it’s fun!For once in my life I feel free of burdens and alive! So alive! I’m having the life of a teenager and not the life of an heiress. I have good friends, the best band in town, a place to hang out and nothing to worry about except a silly ex-boyfriend. These are the greatest months of my life and I can’t wait for what’s coming. Picture my future with me, if you will – just over a year of school (honour roll student of course), house parties, concerts, homework, another love?, sneaking out of the house at night, graduation, prom, a multi-national tour, platinum selling albums with The Mighty Huge, marriage, babies, a lucrative solo career… The world is at my fingertips and I can taste it!